GE Logo Now Tops Washington Monument

Pepsi now eyes Grand Canyon while Verizon claims Niagara Falls

APRIL 1, 2011—Despite huge crowds of protesters in the streets and the National Park Service’s refusal to grant a permit, the industrial giant General Electric last night illuminated a 140-foot neon version of its logo atop the Washington monument, which is visible for at least ten miles throughout the nation’s capital on a cloudless night.

The Supreme Court cleared the way for the sign with a ruling yesterday, decreeing that to prohibit GE access to one of our nation’s landmarks would violate the corporation’s right to free speech. In a 5-4 decision, along exactly the same lines as last year’s controversial Citizens United case, the court said that since corporations are defined as persons under U.S. law, “refusing to let General Electric display its logo would be tantamount to gagging individual citizens who wanted to speak their minds.”

The ruling has revived Pepsi-Cola’s project to build a 72-mile billboard along the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, and Verizon’s plans to apply special red dye to the Niagara River so that the water will be the same color as its logo when tumbling over Niagara Falls.

Under the terms of the Supreme Court ruling, officials of the National Park Service were forbidden from commenting on the case, but Rosalia Shultz, a spokesperson for the citizens movement U.S. Uncut, had this to say: “General Electric paid no taxes last year for upkeep of the Washington Monument, nor any other essential government service. The Washington Monument belongs to all Americans, not to a corporation that doesn’t do its fair share to maintain this country.”

Washington police estimated that 1.7 million protesters crowded the streets of the city last night to protest the action. But they were prevented from getting within a quarter-mile of the monument by General Electric’s private security force, which numbered 3500 soldiers and 59 armored tanks.

A spokesman for General Electric, Col. Oliver North (ret.) said, “I don’t know why they are so riled up. We’re using LED-certified lights, which conserve energy.”

FROM THE SPECIAL APRIL FOOLS EDITION OF ON THE COMMONS